You are normal guys. You don’t post photos of themselves shirtless, drunk, or with bikini-clad women. You have college degrees and jobs. From all appearances, you are stable, respectful, good men. After all, I’ve made it past your photos and “about me” sections to peer through your OkCupid questions, which means that we’re at least an 80% match. The Respectable American Young Man (RAYM).
And this is what troubles me.
Some of your answers to Cupid questions I find downright disturbing. The fact that so many of you have responded in this way makes me think that you don’t really know what message you’re sending.
So I’ve picked out just a couple of the more distressing answers. And I want to tell you, Dear RAYM, what I think when you say things like this.
The bold answer is the one you chose.
If you got married, would you want your partner to change his or her last name to yours?
a. Yes
b. No
c. I would want them to make their own decision.
Yes, there’s tradition. And yes, it’s asking a lot to expect you would take the woman’s name. But you are telling me that you don’t want me to choose. You’re not even willing to discuss it.
Incidentally, Cupid posed this same question to me. Well, dear Cupid, since you asked, yes – I’d love it if he took my name. But I understand that our names are our identities and I understand wanting to keep that. Do you, RAYM?
Would you rather…
a. be tied up during sex
b. do the tying
c. avoid bondage altogether
Here, you’re saying that you would rather have sex with a woman whom you had tied up than have sex with a woman who is unbound? This tells me that rape culture is alive and well.
How does the idea of being slapped hard in the face during sex make you feel?
a. Horrified
b. Aroused
c. Nostalgic
d. Indifferent
Explanation: Why isn’t “like laughing” an option??
Okay, so this response came from just one of you, and it stopped me in my tracks. For me, as a smallish, white woman who is at least nominally educated on the prevalence of sex slavery and rape, it describes an abusive relationship. My reaction is so completely different from yours that I wonder, Mr. RAYM, has it ever entered your mind to think about these questions from a woman’s perspective? Has it ever entered your mind to think about anything from a woman’s perspective?
While I read this question and thought “abuse,” you read and thought…well…maybe something like this, “What? Slapped by a girl??” and then you collapsed into a fit of giggles.
Let me tell you one thing, RAYM, if I ever, under any circumstances, slap you hard in the face, you’d better stop whatever you’re doing and the heck get away from me. This, coming from me, would be nothing but self-defense.
I won’t mention those of you who told me in the midst of jokes and small-talk that you’d accept my help on your yard work only if I wore a bikini while doing so, that you hoped any good plan I came up with for an evening together would end with you “getting lucky,” and – after we’d met up a few times – that you couldn’t stop thinking about my booty. In all three of these instances, when I timidly voiced my discomfort, you told me I was being too sensitive, that we were only flirting, and that I should be flattered.
Other women will react to these things differently. And many would say that yes, I am being overly sensitive. I am happy to flirt. I don’t mind some cuddling. I like to dance, I will make you laugh, and will downplay any awkwardness. But my dear RAYM, if you do happen to get lucky enough to meet me, kindly leave my booty and my bikini out of the equation or risk being slapped hard in the face.
Dear Dying IKEA Palm, 